Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
