I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
