I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
