I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
