Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
