i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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