For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
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He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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