I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
