Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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