We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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