Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
