The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
