sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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