I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
