I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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