Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Even my vagina gasped.
Houston, we have a blender
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
