I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
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He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
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He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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