Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
