i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
