you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
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Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
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She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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