I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
