It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
