I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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