i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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