No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
