I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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