I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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