just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
