Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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