His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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