I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
