My liver just broke up with me...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
