In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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