I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
