why didn't you poke me back
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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