I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
