i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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