Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just puked most of my soul out..
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
