I love having hate sex.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If its not for food we ain't going out.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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