My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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