I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
