I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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