Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
