I got chris browned last night
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
