I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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