If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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