Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
