I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
