I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
