I accidentally had phone sex last night
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
