i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
