Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
