she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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