if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
