I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You were trust falling into bushes
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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