Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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