I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
